my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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