I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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