3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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