Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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