Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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