now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Randomize
