I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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