So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I smell stomach acid.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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