I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
