I'm eating all of the evidence.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
