I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
