his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
where are my eyebrows?
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