If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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