my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
