I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
