i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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