I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
