i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
