My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
