If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
