I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
