dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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