Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
