I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
