Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
