can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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