i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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