I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
