just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
