Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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