My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
