I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
