i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
