Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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