I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
