perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
