i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
