All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Panties = found
Randomize
