Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He did a backflip because drugs
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