i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize