A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
