now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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