Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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