4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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