So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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