So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
