Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
