recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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