I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dignity is for republicans.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
