I faked an abortion last night.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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