she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize