He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
