I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize