Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
