Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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