My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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