this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
