My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
