Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
