You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize