my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
