so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
