I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
