you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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