i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
