i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
