I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As shirtless as possible
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize