Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i love accidental penises.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
